My Costume

I have been thinking and thinking. Pondering about many things in life, how people will always change, how they can come and go in your life, how your world may turn upside down. In the end, you looked at people’s eyes, thinking who were left with me after everything that has happened.

It’s something similar to disappointment but at the same time you see a light of positiveness, telling yourself at least I know who are real. In most cases, many people has loads of friends, thousands of friends, online or not. But how many real ones do you have? Maybe not even more than 10 (From someone). There was this line I really admire, “A friend to everybody is a friend to nobody.” It’s very strong statement, especially if you live here in Macau. Everybody is friends to everybody, but at the end of the day, a friend to nobody(sometimes). Anyways, I’m just reminiscing. I’m just thankful of people who stayed in my life. I am a very hard person to be with for many. Yes, I am sociable and friendly, easily make friends, but when it comes to real friends, I don’t accept real friends in life easily. I always have issues with trust. Trusting a person is the hardest thing for me to do. To be honest until now, I just trust a few, I can count it in my one hand.

Many people call me “weird” because I’m the person who is one time, deeply connected in their lives, the next day I am gone. I am fully aware of that attitude I have especially with the new people I meet. My only reason is I over analyse our relationship and I doubt whether he/she is for real. I do this stupid thing, TESTING, where I check the patience of the person towards me. Yes, I am paranoid, only sometimes. Another problem I’d like to change is being “not-caring”. I have these issues when I was young. I don’t like getting hurt because it’s too painful to go through an experience, well, nobody wants to be hurt. But I am different, I am more careful and strategic. So when I was growing I found this facade, a mascara where I just pretend and absorb in my mind that I don’t care about things and stuff. Isn’t it stupid? And now that I have grown, I have chewed this inside me. It has grown and it has eaten me. It becomes who I am now. I just don’t care. I can’t show it even though that deep down there it’s calling me to show it. I can’t escape my facade anymore. I want to. I have become the girl who cares so less. I can’t lie, because it is true but somehow there’s the care inside me I can’t pull out. It’s very hard. This can’t go on. I have hurt people, I have pushed away people. And I don’t even care. My mind has invented it’s own automatic button where when I start to care, it makes me think it’s a “waste of time, let it go.”

Sometimes, I cry to myself. Blaming myself of what I have partly been, which means I am happy with many parts of myself . I am still a social creature that looks happy and fine. People, even my friends, thinks my life is so colorful (how Chinese friends define my life) or how much I know what I want in life. All I can think of is, yes it’s colorful, I have a direction in life but after that, what? What’s next? I have been going through an issue in my life now where I am thinking what have I been for other people. I am the smart and lazy one in family, I am the mean,bossy girl among friends, I am the selfish lover in relationship. Is that supposed to make me happy?Because I get what I want without working so hard, and people are still there for me. But NO! What I want is to be a good caring daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, best friend, friend, lover, but the irony is that, that’s actually who I am, a part of me that hasn’t been seen yet. Here! Down here, wanting at least to be seen. Or is it really there? I have been finding myself. During this writing, I just realized it’s about how you seek in life. I know myself. I shouldn’t just let bad surroundings affect me. I know it’s hard for me to show what I truly feel. But I love myself, I just hope soon enough I’ll be able to be seen as who I truly am. And I know, it’s me who has to make them see it.