Can I cry?

I wanna cry!Cry so so bad! Why do you have to be in my life?! You just make me suffer, everyone of us suffer. I wanna shout and scream at you, but when I freaking see you, my heart melts. How can I possibly hate you this much?! My head is aching already cause by the amount of pain you give! I try to live a normal, happy life! But you always come chasing to pull me down! I hate you but do I really hate you? All I know is I feel mentally and emotionally breaking down because of the things you’re doing. I try so hard to be f****** strong to be able to survive this. What? Is that your purpose in my life? To make me stronger? No matter how strong, I think you’re the one who drives people crazy! You have no idea how you cause pain and agony to others. You have no shame! Is it your happiness to see us all in hell because of what you do. You already know the consequences, yet you still do it all the time. I never ever thought this was gonna be my life with you. Looking back, I always had a tough time living this life. This moment I’m living in is freaking harder! I can’t breathe while writing this, that’s how much I hate you! I couldn’t even let my tear out! I wanna cry so bad, but I can’t. I don’t know why. All my life, I find ways to make our lives better. I try my very best to make you happy, you all happy. I made dreams, high dreams and is trying to achieve it and I will achieve that, just to get out of this situation we are in. But this I will tell you, I am not always gonna be the little girl who doesn’t say a thing. Are you waiting for that moment? Don’t. ‘Cause I’ll be gone by then. And don’t you ever lean on me, because you were never ever there for me. You were and you are still the very reason why I needed to lean on someone. I know having hatred sucks! That you can’t move on in life completely happy. I tried everything not to hate you. But my mind and my heart tells me you’re too much. I’ve tolerated enough. I guess it’s true, no life is perfect. I would love to embrace the imperfection here, and be as optimistic as I can be. But it hurts, it just hurts. You just break me into pieces. I just wish and hope this wouldn’t affect my brain and cause me any mental and emotional break down. It’s just so hard, really hard. I feel like I’m carrying the whole world for you. I have my life. Ever since, I’m young I have been feeling this way. I think I can handle this. I will handle this. Don’t you ever make my sisters feel this way. I will overcome this, not for you but for all of our family you hurt and for those who are hoping I am their only way. I love you but everytime I put my trust onto you, you fail me. You disappoint me, you hurt me. What kind of person does that? I hope one day I see the beauty in this part of my life. 

Notes